Dear Paul,

I thought of letting you know that I am feeling so much better than when you left before Thanksgiving. And yet, even though every day is better, every day is still difficult. I miss you so much.love yr letters

I kept busy in the first two weeks by surviving. I won’t go in to details, but suffice to say that I had to deal with the added trauma of dealing with another’s anger.  Anger is a monster that holds us back in life if we let it take hold. You helped me learn that through our Buddhist practice. I was determined to find a way to let go of that anger that I found myself having. I learned a way of understanding the situation from that person’s perspective, even though it was difficult for me. My mantra now is to take a deep breath, and return to the present moment when those thoughts creep their way back in my head.

After a few weeks, I had to begin to pack up my life in our house. Good grief, I had no idea how much stuff I had! I thought I did a good job of giving things away or selling them the last time I moved. Well, let me tell you, I had more to donate this time around. I somehow managed to fit my new life in to a 500 square foot studio. You would love it; it reminds me of our sunroom. It has a private entrance and courtyard, a light filled living space that was formerly a one car garage and a cozy bedroom off that living space. My plants are taking in the natural light! I am grateful for the place to live and the privacy I am enjoying.

Interestingly enough, I have been going to see movies a great deal more than we did. I found the pass we purchased for The Flicks and have used it wisely. Every time the movie is over, I say “thank you, Paul” out loud. Cracks everyone up! I have been reading books people have given or suggested, and even returned a book that just did not resonate with me. I hike daily with Zeke and sometimes other dogs; it just depends on who I run in to or who joins me. I did lose some weight, and I know that this part of grief is inevitable.

My real estate business is steady and I continue to love my part time job with Expedition Inspiration Fund . I am so grateful to have found a job for an organization that I have passion about. Everything I learned about marketing in real estate I can cross over to this organization. It is FUN to be able to be really creative again.

I have been writing a great deal on my blog and in a journal app on my iPad. Writing has been a tremendous source of consolation and peace. The sentences that I have written in just this post but deleted go in to my journal. {smirk} Some things are better left unwritten on the internet.

But most of all, I miss you very much. The void seems unrelenting right now. I know the cliché about time making things better. I trust that it will and deep down, I know it will.

I love you, Paul. I always will. Please visit some time in a dream, ok?

 

#grief #grieving #loss #lossoflovedone #love

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